1. Pool Rats – Mr.Pool Rat pulls out another victory by an insanely narrow margin (.2) despite becoming the first receiver of the “Look What You Did, You Little Jerk Award” (Keenan Allen -0.4). Monster games from Big Ben and Edelman were enough to give the Rats 1st place in the Biggie division.
2. Oregon Trail Battlewagon – 5 dudes with 5 points and another case of a lucky shit show somehow getting a win. This is the Battlewagon’s worst performance in memory and they can’t be feeling good about McCoy or Murray even though they did get the ugly win.
3. Team Rex Grossman – Rex had the most impressive performance of the week and the star on his team was… Kaepernick??? WTF? 5 slots putting up 14 points or more handled FAF HAM’s squad like a mosquito bite.
4. South Main Mercs – One of the most average and consistent performances with almost every player putting up 10 or 11 points, the Mercs fell short by a few to JJ. If they can keep doing this every week they should win more often than not. Still waiting on Demaryius Thomas’ first TD.
5. J.J. Wattshappenin – A handful of players put up some good points in a nail biter against the Mercs. Chris Ivory was able to seal the deal on Monday night in the 2nd half. Exciting bench performances gives this team some flexural healing going into week 3.
6. FAF HAM – The most hilarious performance of the week goes to FAF HAM for chalking up .1 points to Jeremy Hill who fumbled twice. Other than Rodgers there were a couple mediocre performances at best. They have to feel uneasy after falling the hardest in the power rankings going down 4 spots
7. Four Loko Power Trip – Power Trip has a case of the Q’s and missed an easy opportunity for a victory against Battlewagon. His MNF players couldn’t put up small points and apparently this weeks loss can be traced back directly to “eating too much KFC” which caused Lacy to hurt his ankle and Gore to fumble at the goal line.
8. Bangers and Thrash – Bangers got an ugly win with a terrible performance that luckily went up against an even more terrible performance. They have to be doing cartwheels now that Le’Veon Bell is back.
9. Drop it like it’s Popp – Amazing performance from Antonio Brown carried this underperforming team just shy of a victory. The studs on this roster simply have not been pulling their weight, and if it doesn’t turn around soon, a panic button may appear.
10. -TheMostBlounted – Embarrassed by Blount and fucked by Luck, a shit show for the most part netted this team 56.6 points and they still somehow avoided pickle dick. I’m not sure if it can get much worse without injuries so hopefully better days are ahead.