Welcome to god damn week 4! You know what week 4 means! It’s time to start earning those mother fuckin’ bacon banners baby. Let’s have a quick run down of Slab Bacon FFL coming into the week mother fucking 4….
1. FAF HAM (3-0) – I imagine during the entire offseason FAFHAM was in some abandoned warehouse taking fierce blows at an old shitty punching bag. In his head he’s thinking, “These motherfuckers think all I do is reach reach reach. I’ll fucking show ’em, those fucking assholes…”. And just like that our league doormat is on top going into week 4. HOWEVER, this past week was kind of a doozy, and the only thing that let FAFHAM get to 3-0 was Pool Rats having 2 goose eggs from Kelvin and Texans D. With Jordy on a bye and the bench looking banged up AF, I expect an ugly win at best against Battlewagon.
2. TheMostBlounted (2-1) – Shitty performance from most players was saved by Rodgers, KC Defense, and Marvin Jones aka the Goat. Jones’ 200+ receiving yards was enough to hand out our league’s 3rd ever Deadliest Catch award. I fucking love that. Calvin Johnson retires and “holy fuck how are the Lions going to replace Megatron OMGOMGOMG??” Well take a fucking look. Marvin Jones is the #1 WR going into week four. LOL.
3. Pool Rats (2-1) – Pool Rats have the rare problem in fantasy of having great running backs but are hurting at WR. Somehow Kelvin put up a Donut, and the only other 3 WRs on their roster are Jordan Mallethands, Hogan, and Snead. If their RBs stay healthy, they should go far this season, but not if they keep putting up Goose Eggs.
I benched my whole lineup to get in your head. Is it working?
4. Bangers and Thrash (2-1) – The battle between PD1 and PD2 ended with a Bangers victory, and the victory came in a strange fashion. Hyde and Michael???? 4 combined touchdowns totaling 47.6 points between the two. Allen Robinson finally gets in the endzone to meet expectations for once, and even with mediocrity filling out the rest of the roster, they made it happen against Four Loko Power Trip. Bangers will get to face a pickle dick for the 2nd week in a row, and they’ll get to do it with a brand new shiny Eddie Lacy who they received for Jeremy Hill. They’ve got the first Maple Bowl coming up!
5. Oregon Trail Battlewagon (2-1) – Leave it up the Battlewagon to end with a Victory after putting up a terrible 74.1 points. Very uncharacteristic of OTBW. Besides Doug Baldwin finally getting some love from a struggling Seattle offense there wasn’t much going on here at all. Mark Ingram was able to seal the deal on Monday Night which sent Popp to the showers with his 3rd pickle dick. I’m also very impressed with the balls it must have taken to pick up and start Kenyan Drake at RB2! Yikes! They’ve already suffered one of the biggest losses to their roster this season losing AP, will OTBW be able to keep trucking through the only remaining undefeated team????
6. J.J. Backproblems (1-2) – FLPT had a bad loss this week, but not as heartbreaking as a loss after putting up 109.5 points like J.J. Wattshappenin’. Almost everyone had a great game, except Julio on MNF, because the Falcons thought it would be funny to take him out of the game so Matty Ice could dink and dunk shovel passes and pitches to Coleman and Freeman all night long. If J.J. knows how to keep it real, they will pin this loss on the Offensive Coordinator of the Atlanta Falcons. They have a match-up this week against our winless rookie, but most of J.J’s OPRKs are very red, which means the roster has tough match-ups this week. Let’s see if they make to .500 or allow our rookie to take them down like a punk ass trick.
7. Four Loko Power Trip (1-2) – FLPT suffered a heartbreaking loss in an almost identical matchup with Bangers and Thrash. Both teams put very strong RB numbers and had 1 WR perform nicely. The only thing that put Bangers over power trip was their Ravens D and the fact that Joe Fucking Flacco threw 2 picks and only had 1 rushing touchdown. It was a good showing for Power Trip and it’s always hard to swallow a loss when you score over 90 points. There must have been some behind the scenes punishment because Flacco was dropped and then picked up again the next day. Maybe he promised to do better than a Tony Turnover award against Oakland this week, and can help even up FLPT’s record to 2-2 against TheMostBlounted.
8. South Main Mercs (1-2) – The entire weekend looked grim for the Mercs as they were trailing the entire fucking slate. Then the New Orleans defense happened, and I’m sure the Saints are trying to figure out a way to fire Rob Ryan some how for the second time. Matty Ice and Tevin Coleman iced Matt the Rookie and put up a combined 46.8 points after needing about 20-25 to tie it up. So if it weren’t for Brandon Marshall’s injury, Coleman would have stayed on the bench and the Mercs would be 0-3 and probably trying to trade everyone right now. Finally they catch a break before jumping into week 4 to face Tony Tony Tony who has the best RB stable in the league.
9. Drop it Like it’s Popp (1-2) – Popp is now 3 pickle dicks into his SBFFL career after putting up a pile of shit on the scoreboard against a struggling OTBW. They had their chance to take down one of the best performers in the league and failed. They found a way to lose, much like Philip Rivers did after talking shit to a lineman and getting an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty at the end of the game. There’s no question how bad this team is hurting with injuries. I expect some serious movement to get out of the cellar here after 3 weeks of almost nothing from Watkins, Gronk, Alshon, and Langford. What better time to bounce back than the 7th Maple Bowl Game where Popp is leading the race at 4-2!
10. Titties n Trophies (0-3) – Our rookie is turning into the Welcome Mat of SBFFL. 0-3 to start his career in this league and they were so god damn close to taking out the Mercs last week. Instead their ass got Merc’d like a sonofabitch. Not only that, but they learned Dez Bryant has bones made of funyuns and will definitely be missing some time. I also guess we’re living in a crazy universe where OBJ is unable to get into the endzone and is losing fights against a kicking net. They are hoping for luck to swing their way as they are going up against JJ Wattshappenin who has outscored Titties by almost 20 points the last two weeks.