Month: September 2016

Welcome to god damn week 4!  You know what week 4 means!  It’s time to start earning those mother fuckin’ bacon banners baby.  Let’s have a quick run down of Slab Bacon FFL coming into the week mother fucking 4….

1. FAF HAM (3-0) – I imagine during the entire offseason FAFHAM was in some abandoned warehouse taking fierce blows at an old shitty punching bag.  In his head he’s thinking, “These motherfuckers think all I do is reach reach reach.  I’ll fucking show ’em, those fucking assholes…”.  And just like that our league doormat is on top going into week 4.  HOWEVER, this past week was kind of a doozy, and the only thing that let FAFHAM get to 3-0 was Pool Rats having 2 goose eggs from Kelvin and Texans D.  With Jordy on a bye and the bench looking banged up AF, I expect an ugly win at best against Battlewagon.

2. TheMostBlounted (2-1) – Shitty performance from most players was saved by Rodgers, KC Defense, and Marvin Jones aka the Goat.  Jones’ 200+ receiving yards was enough to hand out our league’s 3rd ever Deadliest Catch award.  I fucking love that.  Calvin Johnson retires and “holy fuck how are the Lions going to replace Megatron OMGOMGOMG??” Well take a fucking look.  Marvin Jones is the #1 WR going into week four. LOL.

3. Pool Rats (2-1) – Pool Rats have the rare problem in fantasy of having great running backs but are hurting at WR.  Somehow Kelvin put up a Donut, and the only other 3 WRs on their roster are Jordan Mallethands, Hogan, and Snead.  If their RBs stay healthy, they should go far this season, but not if they keep putting up Goose Eggs.

I benched my whole lineup to get in your head.  Is it working?

4. Bangers and Thrash (2-1) –  The battle between PD1 and PD2 ended with a Bangers victory, and the victory came in a strange fashion.  Hyde and Michael????  4 combined touchdowns totaling 47.6 points between the two.  Allen Robinson finally gets in the endzone to meet expectations for once, and even with mediocrity filling out the rest of the roster, they made it happen against Four Loko Power Trip.  Bangers will get to face a pickle dick for the 2nd week in a row, and they’ll get to do it with a brand new shiny Eddie Lacy who they received for Jeremy Hill.  They’ve got the first Maple Bowl coming up!

5. Oregon Trail Battlewagon (2-1) – Leave it up the Battlewagon to end with a Victory after putting up a terrible 74.1 points.  Very uncharacteristic of OTBW.  Besides Doug Baldwin finally getting some love from a struggling Seattle offense there wasn’t much going on here at all.  Mark Ingram was able to seal the deal on Monday Night which sent Popp to the showers with his 3rd pickle dick.  I’m also very impressed with the balls it must have taken to pick up and start Kenyan Drake at RB2! Yikes!  They’ve already suffered one of the biggest losses to their roster this season losing AP, will OTBW be able to keep trucking through the only remaining undefeated team????

6. J.J. Backproblems (1-2) – FLPT had a bad loss this week, but not as heartbreaking as a loss after putting up 109.5 points like J.J. Wattshappenin’.  Almost everyone had a great game, except Julio on MNF, because the Falcons thought it would be funny to take him out of the game so Matty Ice could dink and dunk shovel passes and pitches to Coleman and Freeman all night long.  If J.J. knows how to keep it real, they will pin this loss on the Offensive Coordinator of the Atlanta Falcons.  They have a match-up this week against our winless rookie, but most of J.J’s OPRKs are very red, which means the roster has tough match-ups this week.  Let’s see if they make to .500 or allow our rookie to take them down like a punk ass trick.

7. Four Loko Power Trip (1-2) – FLPT suffered a heartbreaking loss in an almost identical matchup with Bangers and Thrash.  Both teams put very strong RB numbers and had 1 WR perform nicely.  The only thing that put Bangers over power trip was their Ravens D and the fact that Joe Fucking Flacco threw 2 picks and only had 1 rushing touchdown.  It was a good showing for Power Trip and it’s always hard to swallow a loss when you score over 90 points.  There must have been some behind the scenes punishment because Flacco was dropped and then picked up again the next day.  Maybe he promised to do better than a Tony Turnover award against Oakland this week, and can help even up FLPT’s record to 2-2 against TheMostBlounted.

8. South Main Mercs (1-2) – The entire weekend looked grim for the Mercs as they were trailing the entire fucking slate.  Then the New Orleans defense happened, and I’m sure the Saints are trying to figure out a way to fire Rob Ryan some how for the second time.  Matty Ice and Tevin Coleman iced Matt the Rookie and put up a combined 46.8 points after needing about 20-25 to tie it up.  So if it weren’t for Brandon Marshall’s injury, Coleman would have stayed on the bench and the Mercs would be 0-3 and probably trying to trade everyone right now.  Finally they catch a break before jumping into week 4 to face Tony Tony Tony who has the best RB stable in the league.

9. Drop it Like it’s Popp (1-2) – Popp is now 3 pickle dicks into his SBFFL career after putting up a pile of shit on the scoreboard against a struggling OTBW.  They had their chance to take down one of the best performers in the league and failed.  They found a way to lose, much like Philip Rivers did after talking shit to a lineman and getting an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty at the end of the game.  There’s no question how bad this team is hurting with injuries.  I expect some serious movement to get out of the cellar here after 3 weeks of almost nothing from Watkins, Gronk, Alshon, and Langford.  What better time to bounce back than the 7th Maple Bowl Game where Popp is leading the race at 4-2!

10. Titties n Trophies (0-3) – Our rookie is turning into the Welcome Mat of SBFFL.  0-3 to start his career in this league and they were so god damn close to taking out the Mercs last week.  Instead their ass got Merc’d like a sonofabitch.  Not only that, but they learned Dez Bryant has bones made of funyuns and will definitely be missing some time.  I also guess we’re living in a crazy universe where OBJ is unable to get into the endzone and is losing fights against a kicking net.  They are hoping for luck to swing their way as they are going up against JJ Wattshappenin who has outscored Titties by almost 20 points the last two weeks.

I know it’s Friday and I’m late on the write-up. Thankfully the owner of Four Loko Power Trip was able to do a solid recap via YouTube on our message board if you want to check it out. We saw a lot of injuries to some key players last week.  Like every year, there seems to be a massacre of injuries early in the season, and since most of us were affected, the September Suffering can officially begin. Now for my late contribution, I’ll recap everyone’s week in Haiku form.

Week 3 Power Ranks

1. Pool Rats (2-0)

Is Matt Forte God?
Matthews has rubber mallets.
Ball dropping wizard

2. FAFHAM (2-0)

Case Keenum is cool
if you don’t like touchdown throws
reach reach reach reach reach

3. J.J. Wattshappenin’ (1-1)

Wilson’s ankle fucked
Must be made of silly string
Card’s D save the day

4. Drop it Like it’s Popp (1-1)

Rest in peace Woodhead
Stefon Diggs, surprise surprise
Ninety point loss, fuck.

5. TheMostBlounted (1-1)

Holy Fuck, Crowell!
Easy win over PD
Rodgers looks like shit.

6. Oregon Trail Battlewagon (1-1)

Battlewagon is
having a good shower cry.
“AP, I’ll miss you….”

7. Bangers and Thrash (1-1)

Pickle Dick Party
From Al Bundy to Tony,
Winston, what the fuck?

8. Four Loko Power Trip (1-1)

TyGod bounces Back.
Is Mike Wallace a thing now?
*First win against Zack!    *was (0-6) now (1-6) in Reg season, (0-1) in Loser bracket.

9. Titties n Trophies (0-2)

Studs not performing
Pour one out for Arian
Still winless rookie

10. South Main Mercs (0-2)

Muscle Hampster down
Marshall’s knee robbed a TD
0 and 2 I suck

Hey guys, how the fuck are you??  I just want to say right off the bat- holy shit we had an awesome draft.  Thank you everyone for coming out for an epic night.  Tony, I’m sorry about the snapchat incident.  I also want to say that getting back into the swing as commish hasn’t been easy.  It took me forever to remember my whole system of entering data into our spreadsheet and keeping up with the trophies, pickle dicks, and write-ups.  I honestly don’t know how I kept up last year.  This year will be different.  I have a heavier work load since I got an new part-time job to add on to my current job, but I will try my best to stay on top of everything.  I had actually started a draft recap, got about a 3rd of the way through and couldn’t finish before the games Sunday.  That being said, your contributions are greatly appreciated.
I tried to come up with some incentive to keep you fuckers active throughout the week so that it takes SOME pressure off of me, and I think what I’m going to do is reward people that submit more than 3 videos (2+ min in length) on the message board this season.  A reward to the tune of $5 off your entry fee next year AND +5 points (in addition to home field advantage) for your kicker league teams first playoff game this year, which will help your draft order spot and your wallet next year.

Week 2 Power Ranks

1. Pool Rats (1-0) – And our week 1 martyr goes to the Pool Rats for losing Keenan Allen, their 1st WR taken in the draft this year.  Despite the injury, they put up an impressive 127.1 points!  Excellent performances from everyone in the roster.  As long as Jordan Matthews can keep his hands from transforming into giant rubber mallets, they might be able to skate by without Keenan Allen without missing a beat.  This week they’ll look for that 2nd win when they face off against Drop it Like it’s Popp.

2. FAFHAM (1-0) – The fistpumping was strong and the Bud Light was flowing after FAFHAM came out with a 111.4 point victory over JJ Wattshappenin.  Despite the victory,  I think there was a shower cry in the FAFHAM household after Case Keenum’s 2.2 performance against the 49ers.  The roster did look a little lopsided with Andrew Luck and C.J. Anderson basically carrying the entire load.  We’ve seen flashes of CJA, but will this finally be the year he finds his groove?  FAFHAM’s roster has excellent matchups in their favor this week, so they look to put up big points again when they face Titties n Trophies.

3. Oregon Trail Battlewagon (1-0) – King of the Clock, Big Ben, after throwing a wrench in our gears during the draft, they pulled out a win in their season opener against TheMostBlounted.  It was a good, but not great, performance.  Brandin Cooks and Cam Newton put the team on their backs, and even managed to put up 100.1 points after a big flavorless donut from TE Gary Barnidge.  Adrian Peterson not performing against the Titans has to be unnerving, and I’m sure Battlewagon expects to see their roster balance out a little more evenly when they face our leagues 10x Pickle Dick.

4. Bangers and Thrash (1-0) – Jameis Winston the Publix Enemy number 1 set up the Bangers to have an opportunity to win on Monday Night in a close matchup.  Carlos Hyde seized that opportunity, and like last year, had another week 1 coming out party which stopped the Mercs dead in their tracks.  An exciting finish to week 1 for the Bangers and now they head back to their 2Pac division to face TheMostBlounted.

5. TheMostBlounted (0-1) – This will make TMB 0-3 against their fellow Oregon team and 2x defending champion.  As expected in my draft recap that I never published, TMB has a good team but I felt the RBs would struggle early on.  Not having Charles, the CMike/Rawls shared workload, and Forsett getting cut and then coming back had me scratching my head.  Even with that gash in the roster, Crowell had a decent game and Antonio Brown twerked all over the scoreboard.  A solid outing, but not enough against the Battlewagon. They have 2pac division showdown against Bangers in week 2.

6. J.J. Wattshappenin’ (0-1) – Coming in at #6, J.J. had an extremely average performance with scores ranging from 6.8 to 15.9 across their roster.  They just have to chalk this one up to everyone putting in the bare minimum, creating a solid floor, and staying right there, and not getting any upside from anyone.  All they needed was one or two players to pop off to get within range of a W but,  FAFHAM laid down that win by about 25 points.  In week 2, they’ll look to get that first win against the 0-1 Mercs.  In the last 4 years during the regular season, JJ is (2-5) against the Mercs.

7. Titties n Trophies (0-1) – Our favorite Rookie got a big L in their first career SBFFL game, and it was a very strange performance.  All the early draft pick studs on this squad are playing like a bunch of god damn trashbags, but Derek Fuckin’ Carr the big dopey golden retreiver and Deanglo Williams managed to get this team a respectable score in week 1.  Unfortunately, they were facing the team with the strongest performance this week so they couldn’t pull it out.  I don’t expect those studs like Dez and OBJ to keep sucking as much dick as they did in week 1, a bounce back seems inevitable here in week 2, but will it be enough against FAFHAM?

8. Drop it Like it’s Popp (1-0) – This was probably not the type of game Popp was hoping for, but they were fortunate enough to come out with an ugly win against this weeks Pickle Dick.  Not only was Gronkowski scratched from the lineup, but there were serious injury concerns with Sammy Watkins and Mohammed Sanu following the games.  The upside is his bench.  Woodhead and Riddick had some impressive games and might strangely weasel their way into fantasy relevancy.  In week 2 they’ll aim for a better looking win against Tony Tony Tony.

9. South Main Mercs (0-1) – The Mercs dropped a deuce in Week 1 with only Matt Ryan and Larry Fitzgerald getting decent points.  They were set up perfectly to win on Monday Night.  All they needed were average performances from from Todd Gurley and Rams D/ST against the goddamn 49ers, and instead the opposite/Carlos Hyde happened, and that was that.  A tough one to swallow when you’re number 3 overall pick shits the bed.  In week 2 they will look to scoop up that shit from their bed and put it in J.J. Wattshappenin’s bed.

FLPT trying to convince himself Fantasy Football is fun!

10. Four Loko Power Trip (0-1) – There’s a strange aura surrounding FLPT, and I feel like deep down, they absolutely knew this was coming.  The fantasy football gods HATE this team, and have cursed them with their 10th career pickle dick in week 1.  A.J. Green puts up 24 fucking points. Next best performance?  Carolina D with 8 points.  Is there any silver lining in this?  Sure!  You COULD argue that 2 players underperformed on Thursday Night (JStew and Demaryius), and that they had 2 solid RBs go off on their bench (Murray and Abdullah) so this team has options and bounce back potential.  The shit colored lining?  They have to try to bounce back against SBFFL’s highest scoring team since it’s inception, Oregon Trail Battlewagon.