Hey guys, how the fuck are you?? I just want to say right off the bat- holy shit we had an awesome draft. Thank you everyone for coming out for an epic night. Tony, I’m sorry about the snapchat incident. I also want to say that getting back into the swing as commish hasn’t been easy. It took me forever to remember my whole system of entering data into our spreadsheet and keeping up with the trophies, pickle dicks, and write-ups. I honestly don’t know how I kept up last year. This year will be different. I have a heavier work load since I got an new part-time job to add on to my current job, but I will try my best to stay on top of everything. I had actually started a draft recap, got about a 3rd of the way through and couldn’t finish before the games Sunday. That being said, your contributions are greatly appreciated.
I tried to come up with some incentive to keep you fuckers active throughout the week so that it takes SOME pressure off of me, and I think what I’m going to do is reward people that submit more than 3 videos (2+ min in length) on the message board this season. A reward to the tune of $5 off your entry fee next year AND +5 points (in addition to home field advantage) for your kicker league teams first playoff game this year, which will help your draft order spot and your wallet next year.
Week 2 Power Ranks
1. Pool Rats (1-0) – And our week 1 martyr goes to the Pool Rats for losing Keenan Allen, their 1st WR taken in the draft this year. Despite the injury, they put up an impressive 127.1 points! Excellent performances from everyone in the roster. As long as Jordan Matthews can keep his hands from transforming into giant rubber mallets, they might be able to skate by without Keenan Allen without missing a beat. This week they’ll look for that 2nd win when they face off against Drop it Like it’s Popp.
2. FAFHAM (1-0) – The fistpumping was strong and the Bud Light was flowing after FAFHAM came out with a 111.4 point victory over JJ Wattshappenin. Despite the victory, I think there was a shower cry in the FAFHAM household after Case Keenum’s 2.2 performance against the 49ers. The roster did look a little lopsided with Andrew Luck and C.J. Anderson basically carrying the entire load. We’ve seen flashes of CJA, but will this finally be the year he finds his groove? FAFHAM’s roster has excellent matchups in their favor this week, so they look to put up big points again when they face Titties n Trophies.
3. Oregon Trail Battlewagon (1-0) – King of the Clock, Big Ben, after throwing a wrench in our gears during the draft, they pulled out a win in their season opener against TheMostBlounted. It was a good, but not great, performance. Brandin Cooks and Cam Newton put the team on their backs, and even managed to put up 100.1 points after a big flavorless donut from TE Gary Barnidge. Adrian Peterson not performing against the Titans has to be unnerving, and I’m sure Battlewagon expects to see their roster balance out a little more evenly when they face our leagues 10x Pickle Dick.
4. Bangers and Thrash (1-0) – Jameis Winston the Publix Enemy number 1 set up the Bangers to have an opportunity to win on Monday Night in a close matchup. Carlos Hyde seized that opportunity, and like last year, had another week 1 coming out party which stopped the Mercs dead in their tracks. An exciting finish to week 1 for the Bangers and now they head back to their 2Pac division to face TheMostBlounted.
5. TheMostBlounted (0-1) – This will make TMB 0-3 against their fellow Oregon team and 2x defending champion. As expected in my draft recap that I never published, TMB has a good team but I felt the RBs would struggle early on. Not having Charles, the CMike/Rawls shared workload, and Forsett getting cut and then coming back had me scratching my head. Even with that gash in the roster, Crowell had a decent game and Antonio Brown twerked all over the scoreboard. A solid outing, but not enough against the Battlewagon. They have 2pac division showdown against Bangers in week 2.
6. J.J. Wattshappenin’ (0-1) – Coming in at #6, J.J. had an extremely average performance with scores ranging from 6.8 to 15.9 across their roster. They just have to chalk this one up to everyone putting in the bare minimum, creating a solid floor, and staying right there, and not getting any upside from anyone. All they needed was one or two players to pop off to get within range of a W but, FAFHAM laid down that win by about 25 points. In week 2, they’ll look to get that first win against the 0-1 Mercs. In the last 4 years during the regular season, JJ is (2-5) against the Mercs.
7. Titties n Trophies (0-1) – Our favorite Rookie got a big L in their first career SBFFL game, and it was a very strange performance. All the early draft pick studs on this squad are playing like a bunch of god damn trashbags, but Derek Fuckin’ Carr the big dopey golden retreiver and Deanglo Williams managed to get this team a respectable score in week 1. Unfortunately, they were facing the team with the strongest performance this week so they couldn’t pull it out. I don’t expect those studs like Dez and OBJ to keep sucking as much dick as they did in week 1, a bounce back seems inevitable here in week 2, but will it be enough against FAFHAM?
8. Drop it Like it’s Popp (1-0) – This was probably not the type of game Popp was hoping for, but they were fortunate enough to come out with an ugly win against this weeks Pickle Dick. Not only was Gronkowski scratched from the lineup, but there were serious injury concerns with Sammy Watkins and Mohammed Sanu following the games. The upside is his bench. Woodhead and Riddick had some impressive games and might strangely weasel their way into fantasy relevancy. In week 2 they’ll aim for a better looking win against Tony Tony Tony.
9. South Main Mercs (0-1) – The Mercs dropped a deuce in Week 1 with only Matt Ryan and Larry Fitzgerald getting decent points. They were set up perfectly to win on Monday Night. All they needed were average performances from from Todd Gurley and Rams D/ST against the goddamn 49ers, and instead the opposite/Carlos Hyde happened, and that was that. A tough one to swallow when you’re number 3 overall pick shits the bed. In week 2 they will look to scoop up that shit from their bed and put it in J.J. Wattshappenin’s bed.
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| FLPT trying to convince himself Fantasy Football is fun! |
10. Four Loko Power Trip (0-1) – There’s a strange aura surrounding FLPT, and I feel like deep down, they absolutely knew this was coming. The fantasy football gods HATE this team, and have cursed them with their 10th career pickle dick in week 1. A.J. Green puts up 24 fucking points. Next best performance? Carolina D with 8 points. Is there any silver lining in this? Sure! You COULD argue that 2 players underperformed on Thursday Night (JStew and Demaryius), and that they had 2 solid RBs go off on their bench (Murray and Abdullah) so this team has options and bounce back potential. The shit colored lining? They have to try to bounce back against SBFFL’s highest scoring team since it’s inception, Oregon Trail Battlewagon.
Slab Bacon Fantasy Football League 