Month: October 2015
Week 7, this mother fucker right here…
We’ve officially hit the half way mark for the regular season and probably saw more trades this week in the league than ever before. Time to stay focused and bring the fucking competition. No more fucking around. Remember, there are no bad teams. Just bad managers. The Biggie Division is only 3 GB and the 2 Pac Division is only 2 GB, anything can happen. Don’t fuck it up.
1. Pool Rats – This mother fucker right here got called out via group text by Blake Bortles and the rest of the Power Trip motley crew. Will the god damn Pool Rats bring the competition? Or will they puss out? They’ve only scored less than 80 points once this season and that was when Marshawn Lynch and Big Ben were out. Now that they’ve made a pretty nice trade, every single god damn slot going into week 7 is ranked in the top 10, which means this would be a terrible week to just fuck everything up and blow division lead. When Dez comes back this team will be scary. So, just don’t fuck up. Tony tony tony.
2. Oregon Trail Battlewagon – This mother fucker right here has been steadily improving the past 3 weeks with the emergence of Gurley aka Running Back Jesus. Even though they put up over 100 points they managed to fucking lose, yet they’re still on top of the 2 Pac Division at 3-3. With the Biggie Division hogging all the playoff seeds, they need to stay focused because a Battlewagon loss and a MostBlounted win kicks them down from the #2 seed to the nothing seed. Are they gonna let the fucking new guy pass them up in the standings?
3. J.J. Wattshappenin’ – This mother fucker right here has gotta be real fucking happy to have Alshon come back and score 20. Not only that but they gotta be real fucking happy about their god damn running backs too. Aside from OBJ’s bye week in 11, JJ has basically survived the major bye weeks issues and is still sitting with a good team at 4-2. This team is playing well but they’re not out of the woods yet. They’ll have to ward off Bangers and Thrash 2.0, who has Frankenstein’d a new roster, in order to stay competitive in the Biggie Division.
4. Team Rex Grossman – This mother fucker right here still remains the only Slab Bacon Original 6 member to have never received a god damn pickle dick. OOPS I hope I didn’t jinx it….. Rex Grossman is basically the Forrest Gump of the league. An adorable retard who is never aware of what’s going on and everything just happens to fall into place and currently leads the league in points. Kinda like letting your friends buy you stock in that fruit company. One less thing to worry about….
5. South Main Mercs – This mother fucker right here doesn’t know how to do anything but stay right in the fucking middle like some sort of confused bisexual. Unless there’s a god damn miracle, the poor fucking Mercs who are on their biggest bye week skid, SHOULD fall to below average this week. In addition to a brutal bye week, they also have 3 players playing on Thursday Night and 1 in London early Sunday, so it definitely feels like a “C minus” kind of week. If I had to rate the lineup for this week on a scale of soft drinks it would probably be Shasta Diet Root Beer or some shit like that.
6. – TheMostBlounted – This mother fucker right here thinks he deserves some recognition for DRAFTING Devonta Freeman (even though his ADP was 112.6). This mother fucker right here also got 2 bacon banners in a row. You can’t argue with results, but you bet your sweet ass I’m going to. Even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while. This team is like a slot machine that just happened to get a little stuck and everyone landed on the best performance they will ever have in their god damn lives. There is so much boom and/or bust potential here, I guess it could be compared to dating an extremely hot bipolar chick. Only after the end of that relationship, you don’t even have a plan B to fall back on, because you have 3 D/ST’s lined up wanting to Netflix and Chill.
7. Drop it like it’s Popp – This mother fucker right here received his first god damn pickle dick after playing 32 games in this league. Pretty impressive considering Popp’s history of retarded negative point differentials. Everyone but Gio put up some rat feces in the box score and simply just didn’t get anything going. Dalton went off on the bench, and they kinda had a punch to the nut sack with bye weeks so it would have been a tough win regardless. Also, the schedule has been a cunt because they’ve given up the 2nd most points in the league. Of course, Popp doesn’t want your fucking sympathy, he wants to punch your fucking face, then probably apologize. This mother fucker has had enough, watch out.
8. Four Loko Power Trip – This mother fucker right here, Eddie Lacy. The End.
9. FAF HAM – This mother fucker right here was the only person in the Biggie Division to lose their game last week which leaves them in the fucking dust at 3 GB. With a roster about as exciting as laundry day, FAF HAM definitely showed some concern about the punishment on the horizon. While they aren’t completely out of the playoff picture, it seems like they have no choice but to start shuffling shit around like a god damn Rubik’s cube if they wanna get shit done. Put on your fucking salesman cap and get to work or start tutu shopping.
10. Bangers and Thrash – This mother fucker right here hit the panic button, but when he did, it was orchestrated like a fucking 360 backflip mctwist hoopy basketball dunk onto the panic button and players started flying his way. Bangers took out the Thrash by dumping Peyton and eating Thrash browns with AJ Green, Marshawn Lynch, and Eddie Lacy. In fact, Eddie Lacy is only on the team because he heard there MIGHT be hash browns. Even if Bangers still can’t make a respectable push, oh well, they will go out with both guns blazing and Eddie Lacy will get to go to fat camp.