1, 2, 3, 4…..Fif mother fucking week.

What is up, dudes?  I’m just doing a quickie today since I’m going to be tailgating tomorrow, I won’t have time to do any calls unless you submitted them already.  You can still go to Vocaroo.com and upload a message directly and post a link to it on the message board if you really want.  I’ll be back in full force next week.  Good luck!

1. J.J. Wattshappenin – JJ was able to earn the W with dogshit WR performances and excellent RB performances from Ivory and AP.  They were in a bind with bye weeks and injuries but were able to dish out a trade which added Melvin Gordon to the roster.  An important divisional matchup for first place in the Biggie division against the Pool Rats takes place in Week 5.

2. Oregon Trail Battlewagon – A strong start to the season for Battlewagon, but they definitely had a bad last 2 weeks.  Todd Gurley finally had his coming out party, so there should be some relief in the RB department, but I’m pretty sure Brandin Cooks can be found swimming in a dumpster full of trash.  Bangers and Thrash will be the next chance to turn it around.

3. Pool Rats – After a dickbutt performance with the exception of Rivers,  the mighty Pool Rats have chalked up their first L while hearing “Tony Tony Tony” on a loop in their head.  They’re now trying to get their shit together to face the only other 3-1 team left in the league. We’ll go ahead and make this Biggie Division showdown the Mother Fucking Game of the Week.

4. Team Rex Grossman – Two Tony Turnover awards in a row and not one single waiver claim.  Should we set an O/U to see how many weeks it takes for Team Rex Grossman to pick up a real quarterback?  This is getting close to the time Eric Meyer of 2012 Slab Bacon fame kept Dallas WR Kevin Ogletree on his roster for about 5 weeks.  Anyways, this team is still outscoring everyone to date, and should be just fine as long as Foster can get healthy and stay that way.

5. FAF HAM – Welcome back Jeremy Hill.  FAF HAM was able to pull a win out of their ass with their moneyball team.  Even with Aaron Rodgers performing his worst of the season, others on the roster stepped up and put up a nice 93.4 points earning the first Bacon Banner of the season.  A 2-2 divisional matchup against the Mercs in week 5.

6. Four Loko Power Trip – 2 separate messages were left in the write-ups last week talking shit to other owners.  One of them included the idea of how embarrassing it can be when you dish out the shit talk and then get your ass kicked.  Well, what do you know?  We are 4 weeks in, and Power Trip has 2 Pickle Dicks to show for it. It’s a fuckin’ curse, I tell ya…
>>[A MESSAGE FROM POWER TRIP]<<(mobile users click link)

7. South Main Mercs –  Another week and another painfully mediocre performance.  The players find their floors and stay there, and in this case they were outscored by their D/ST. So there’s consistency in mediocrity, and this team is destined to score between 70 and 80 points.  Luckily, the Pool Rats were struggling with injuries and and being average was good enough for the W.

8. Bangers and Thrash – Ok they DID win the Maple Bowl, but they did so in the most unimpressive fashion.  Winning by a margin of .2 points, Bangers and Thrash had 1 really good player (Le’Veon Bell) and the rest were extremely shitty.   Hilarious stat:  Bangers and Thrash have netted -1 points with all their D/ST performances this year.  So we’ll give this team the Maple Crown, but in this case it’s a kind of a flaccid, sad-looking, rubbery looking crown.

>>[A MESSAGE FROM BANGERS]<<(mobile users click link)

9. – TheMostBlounted – This team took the high road and let his players do the talking and they told Power Trip to Shut the Fuck up. Devonta Freeman did almost half the talking but at least now they know what it’s like to get a win in Slab Bacon.  Moving into week 5 they filled a hole in their roster trading for Terrance Williams, and from there they look to creep up the division standings in a 2pac showdown against Popp.

10. Drop it like it’s Popp – Popp enters week 5 as “The biggest disappointment in Canadian history” after losing to Bangers and Thrash by .2 points.  This loss points directly to the 2 0’s that were put up in the roster, 1 of them from Andre Johnson who now has 2 goose eggs in a row. The other from the Cardinals D, which no one expected.  They left a semi-respectable performance otherwise, but Johnson has basically given this team Cancer, AIDS, and hemorrhoids all at the same time.  I said it last week but I’m pretty sure Johnson has packed up and moved to Dumpsville.

Welcome to Week Mother Fucking 4!

Happy fucking week 4, Slab Bacon!  We had an exciting and high scoring week 3, but week 4 brings even more excitement because starting now we can officially win Bacon Banners until the end of the post-season.  Moving forward, having the highest scoring team will get you $10 in your PayPal account.  Week 4 also brings the first round of byes, so pay attention. An international game is kicking off early this Sunday in London, so please make sure to get your line ups submitted on time.  Another fair warning, the PHI vs. WAS game MAY NOT HAPPEN this week due to hurricane drama.  If the game is delayed, it will be made up in week 8.  I do NOT know how this will affect fantasy, so consider that possibility when/if starting players on those teams this week.  Good luck!

Pool Rats – Boom or bust specialist Keenan Allen along with Greg Olsen’s coming out party carried the Pool Rats over FAF HAM, but the last standing undefeated team got their 3rd straight victory with a price = Big Ben and possibly Beast Mode.  With Edelman on bye they need a lot of bench to step up in week 4.

A Message from Pool Ratshttp://vocaroo.com/player.swf?playMediaID=s1Y5s2S5wdvH&autoplay=0

Audio recording software >>
Team Rex Grossman – Fantasy Zombie Larry Fitzgerald is playing like we know he should with a good QB and Jamaal Charles put the foot on the Mercs throat Monday Night.   Assuming they pick up an active TE for week 4, it should be a good game against fellow 2-1 divisional foe, J.J. Wattshappenin’.

J.J. Wattshappenin’ – This season has claimed it’s first victim of having a player listed active and NOT playing.  Nevermind the Chris Ivory goose egg, JJ made it happen against TheMostBlounted while Steve Smith ran around his team like they were little kids.  Important divisional matchup against a Gronkless 2-1 Team Rex Grossman.

Four Loko Power Trip – Power Trip survived a Monday Night Miracle that had Randall Cobb earning 3 of Rodgers 5 touchdowns pushing them to victory over the Bangers.  A good number of 20+ point players rocked the score board making Power Trip the highest scoring team of the week.  Not a bad feeling to have when you go from this stellar performance to being welcomed by our official league doormat, Carlos, in week 4.

A Message from Power Triphttp://vocaroo.com/player.swf?playMediaID=s0efiZABE6zZ&autoplay=0
Audio recording software >>
Another Message from Power Triphttp://vocaroo.com/player.swf?playMediaID=s0c0sXOlC6fw&autoplay=0
Audio recording and upload >>
Oregon Trail Battlewagon – Not a bad week from Battlewagon, but a couple of oopsie daisy’s like starting Chris Polk and the Dolphin’s D/ST basically cost them the win.  Despite having high draft picks like McCoy and D.Murray underperform, they’re still putting up solid points with bench scabs and hand cuffs.  There could be worse weeks to be scabby as they will be facing the struggling FAF HAM.

South Main Mercs –  The Mercs displayed another average performance by having all their players with a respectable floor reach that threshold and stay there for the entire matchup.  This resulted in their 7th career and 80 point pickle dick.  A trade with Popp nets the Mercs Jimmy Graham and CJ Anderson and they’re now facing an opportunity to get back to .500 against an injured Pool Rats team.
A Message from the Mercshttp://vocaroo.com/player.swf?playMediaID=s1jQAvCHcrU9&autoplay=0
Record and upload audio >>
Drop it Like it’s Popp – Popp is feeling good getting that first win of the season after suffering through Johnson’s goose egg and sweating over Maclin and Kelce on Monday Night.  They decided to part ways with CJ Anderson and Jimmy Graham to ride out Gio’s success and Desean Jackson’s awaited comeback.  You better believe Popp is going to bring it this week since he’s trying to reclaim that Maple Crown.  Andre Johnson welcome to dumpsville?

Bangers and Thrash – The most impressive week for the Bangers is also the most frustrating for the Bangers because they put up 117 points and still lost.  A great performance from AJ Green creates room on their trophy shelf for the leagues first Deadliest Catch award. Even though they lost, they’re looking to thrash it up and skitch on this momentum to get back on track against Popp in their 5th Maple Bowl.

A Message from Bangershttp://vocaroo.com/player.swf?playMediaID=s1MJKzBzFa6U&autoplay=0
Record audio or upload mp3 >>
FAF HAM – The Aaron Rodgers Prime Time Special that included 5 TD’s were the only TD’s produced by FAF HAM with the exception of Buffalo D/ST.  A lot of question marks are hovering around this roster going into week 4 so they’re hoping everyone’s upside hits.

– TheMostBlounted – Aside from Devonta Freeman putting up what will probably be the best fantasy day of his career, there was absolutely nothing here.  This team has officially reached Doormat status.  Welcome to the big leagues, this team is where you wipe your feet.