1. J.J. Wattshappenin – JJ was able to earn the W with dogshit WR performances and excellent RB performances from Ivory and AP. They were in a bind with bye weeks and injuries but were able to dish out a trade which added Melvin Gordon to the roster. An important divisional matchup for first place in the Biggie division against the Pool Rats takes place in Week 5.
2. Oregon Trail Battlewagon – A strong start to the season for Battlewagon, but they definitely had a bad last 2 weeks. Todd Gurley finally had his coming out party, so there should be some relief in the RB department, but I’m pretty sure Brandin Cooks can be found swimming in a dumpster full of trash. Bangers and Thrash will be the next chance to turn it around.
3. Pool Rats – After a dickbutt performance with the exception of Rivers, the mighty Pool Rats have chalked up their first L while hearing “Tony Tony Tony” on a loop in their head. They’re now trying to get their shit together to face the only other 3-1 team left in the league. We’ll go ahead and make this Biggie Division showdown the Mother Fucking Game of the Week.
4. Team Rex Grossman – Two Tony Turnover awards in a row and not one single waiver claim. Should we set an O/U to see how many weeks it takes for Team Rex Grossman to pick up a real quarterback? This is getting close to the time Eric Meyer of 2012 Slab Bacon fame kept Dallas WR Kevin Ogletree on his roster for about 5 weeks. Anyways, this team is still outscoring everyone to date, and should be just fine as long as Foster can get healthy and stay that way.
5. FAF HAM – Welcome back Jeremy Hill. FAF HAM was able to pull a win out of their ass with their moneyball team. Even with Aaron Rodgers performing his worst of the season, others on the roster stepped up and put up a nice 93.4 points earning the first Bacon Banner of the season. A 2-2 divisional matchup against the Mercs in week 5.
7. South Main Mercs – Another week and another painfully mediocre performance. The players find their floors and stay there, and in this case they were outscored by their D/ST. So there’s consistency in mediocrity, and this team is destined to score between 70 and 80 points. Luckily, the Pool Rats were struggling with injuries and and being average was good enough for the W.
8. Bangers and Thrash – Ok they DID win the Maple Bowl, but they did so in the most unimpressive fashion. Winning by a margin of .2 points, Bangers and Thrash had 1 really good player (Le’Veon Bell) and the rest were extremely shitty. Hilarious stat: Bangers and Thrash have netted -1 points with all their D/ST performances this year. So we’ll give this team the Maple Crown, but in this case it’s a kind of a flaccid, sad-looking, rubbery looking crown.
9. – TheMostBlounted – This team took the high road and let his players do the talking and they told Power Trip to Shut the Fuck up. Devonta Freeman did almost half the talking but at least now they know what it’s like to get a win in Slab Bacon. Moving into week 5 they filled a hole in their roster trading for Terrance Williams, and from there they look to creep up the division standings in a 2pac showdown against Popp.
10. Drop it like it’s Popp – Popp enters week 5 as “The biggest disappointment in Canadian history” after losing to Bangers and Thrash by .2 points. This loss points directly to the 2 0’s that were put up in the roster, 1 of them from Andre Johnson who now has 2 goose eggs in a row. The other from the Cardinals D, which no one expected. They left a semi-respectable performance otherwise, but Johnson has basically given this team Cancer, AIDS, and hemorrhoids all at the same time. I said it last week but I’m pretty sure Johnson has packed up and moved to Dumpsville.