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| Screen Cap of FantasyPros.com ROS roster scores |
Like last week, I used this spreadsheet to factor in risk, consistency, roster scores from FantasyPros.com, and other tidbits of data you would find in the standings to generate the week 9 Power Ranks.
Remember the trade deadline is the moment Week 11 starts on the Thursday night kickoff. No Trades after week 10 are allowed! Good luck in week 9 fuckers!
Now here is an album of Mascots terrorizing children on the football field.
1.) J.J. Wattshappenin’ – Our Top Dog just couldn’t get anything going and fell to 5-3 after 4 consecutive wins. Evans was weak as fuck, then Julio disappeared in the 2nd half and we watched all the targets start going to Sanu. Bad performances from those WRs really punched this team in the nutsack this week, but this roster is strong enough to bounce back at any moment.
2.) FAF HAM – Week 8 was a very impressive outting for FAF HAM, who was lead by Amari Cooper, the byproduct of Derek Carr’s “Game of Throws” winning performance. They smashed Smash Krew by over 50 points like it was no big deal. Tied with the Mercs at 6-2, FAF HAM is the clear better 1st place team having outscored them 739.4 to 642.2 after 8 weeks. The ESPN odds favor the Mercs by 11.6 (whatever the fuck THAT means), but FAF HAM has been on fire, scoring over 90 points the last 3 weeks. There really hasn’t been one yet this year, but I would say the match-up between the two 6-2 teams would warrant the Motherfucking Game of the Week.
3.) Pool Rats – A strong running game, great QB performance, and a solid D/ST carried the Pool Rats to their 3rd straight win and earned their seat at #3 for the 2nd week in a row. They have needed help at WR since Fitzgerald and Sanders have both underperformed the last 3-4 weeks, but they’re still getting it done. If even one of those guys can get out of this slump, or they find another way to get production at WR, this team should be set for the playoffs. This week could be an important divisional matchup against J.J. Wattshappenin’ that could possibly determine playoff seeds later on. We’ll see how this plays out in week 9.
4.) South Main Mercs – Somehow the Mercs are still riding out their long magical string of luck that allowed them to tie the SBFFL record of a 6 game winning streak while posting the 3rd lowest point totals. The roster looks good but the points sure as fuck don’t. Since trading for Le’Veon Bell, their WR game has been a pile of shitty shit, and their 1st round darling has yet to rush for 100 yards. This will be the first appearance of all the new Mercs from various trades starting the same week since they’ve all cleared byes. We’ll see if this slow building process can result in breaking the record this week against fellow 6-2 team, FAF HAM.
5.) Four Loko Power Trip – Talk about getting through a shitstorm! FLPT powerfucked our Top Dog this week in a matchup that seemed hopeless at first. After learning the last minute news of Ty Montgomery, they grabbed a warm body just to have an active RB and things were looking pretty shitty. But they proceeded to earn a Game of Throws, Al Bundy, a motherfucking Killjoy, AND reached the 5k milestone. This roster desperately needs ARob and Demaryius Thomas to produce more consistently, then we might see FLPT keep creeping up the ranks.
6.) Drop it like it’s Popp – How exactly does a team that’s 3-5 jump from #10 to #6 in the power ranks? Well, you gotta put up a lot of points, and you gotta have a sexy looking roster for the rest of the season. According to FantasyPros, that’s exactly what Popp has. But there’s also something to say about a team that earns 2 Bacon Banners in 4 weeks. With a roster loaded with boom or bust talent, Drop it like it’s Popp is clearly a team packed with upside potential. They’re only one game behind 1st place, and in week 9 they face another 3-5 team from their division, Four Loko Power Trip.
7.) – TheMostBlounted – This squad fizzled out very quickly in week 8 with only 3 players that put up over 7 points. Aside from Aaron Rodgers, there was nobody worth a shit, and literally every player that was active on the bench would have outscored who was starting. Jay Ajayi coming off a bye week should add a little spunk to the roster in week 9 when they play their Oregon homeboys, Oregon Trail Battlewagon, who they have never won against in 3 career match-ups. Isn’t it about time they beat Battlewagon? How many more games is it gonna take???????
8-T.) Oregon Trail Battlewagon – There were a few bright spots on the roster, including the return of Dez Bryant, but there was a enough bed shitting to mask anything worthwhile. Mark Ingram decided to fumble and get benched for the rest of the game, while Hightower went in and did NOTHING. Sean Peyton and his stupid fucking visor had to teach Ingram a lesson by having a shitty RB in the whole game and stuck OTBW with a U Little Jerk trophy. After their 4th straight loss, they really need to get back on track this week against their Oregon counterpart.
8-T.) Bangers and Thrash – There’s no denying that this team has been getting pushed face down in pile of awful runny shit after a hot start to the season. Bangers and Thrash are coming off their 3rd loss in a row and have not cracked 77 points since week 3. A few trades haven’t exactly worked out the way they anticipated and they’ve been suffering from the loss of players like Eddie Lacy and Carlos Hyde, not to mention watching DeAndre Hopkins under-perform week after week. But what do you fuckin’ know? This team is tied for 8th in the power rankings but they are STILL 1st in the 2pac division at 4-4. First you believe, then you achieve. BTW have you heard the new Toadies LP?
10.) Titties n Trophies – Our rookie has become the leagues welcome mat (or Matt hehe) and all I can say is they have allowed 786 points, the most in the league. If you compare them to the Mercs who are tied for 1st in the Biggie division, TnT has put up more points, but are still fucking last in the 2Pac division. So you can blame the schedule, or you can blame Obama, or you can say that Fantasy Football is a cruel motherfucking bitchmother. But the fact is, these Titties n Trophies have been sagging down to the bottom of the ranks. They can reasonably start creeping out of the cellar this week since they face Bangers and Thrash who are also on a rough skid.
Slab Bacon Fantasy Football League 