Welcome to 2018!

Welcome to week 1 of 20-fucking-18, Slab Bacon!  After a long off-season full of Kentucky Derbies, NASCAR, and Golf Tournaments, we are here, locked and loaded with our shitty rosters to play our 7th season!


Before I get into the draft breakdown, I need to put some info here in case you guys missed it in the GroupMe chat.

We WILL be doing the Pentathlon again this year to determine draft order.  If you give a shit about the draft order you need to join our Eliminator League on ESPN if you haven’t already. I think a couple of you still need to join.  Like last year, the only events that require any effort on your part is the Eliminator and the NCAA Basketball Tournament in March.  Link to the Eliminator Group is here and the password is ‘porkgasm’.  I don’t have the Pentathlon spreadsheet going yet but I should have that ready sometime next week.

I’ve already said it a million times on GroupMe but don’t forget that we are using the FAAB waiver system for the first time this season.  Everything you need to know is in the rules but  If you need clarification on anything just ask in the GroupMe chat room.  ESPN description is here:

Free Agent Auction Bidding

Teams will have a specific budget with which they can bid to make player acquisitions and all bids are processed after the league’s specified waiver period.  If a team would like to add a player, that team will secretly bid an amount they are willing to pay. On the waiver process day, the team with the highest bid will be awarded the player, and the bid will be subtracted from that teams budget.  Players who are not claimed during bid processing become free agents available for first come, first serve style pick ups.

Here is your Commissioners take on the draft.  I didn’t use any metrics or professional rankings I just ranked y’alls picks solely on my gut reaction.

Ranked mostly by first 3 rounds.

1.) Bangers and ThrashGurley/Gronk/McCoy Fantastic first 3 picks.
Question Marks:  McCoy’s off the field issues, Gronk’s health.
Things I Like: SIX rookies taken, 5 of them in rounds 9 through 13.  Will any of these dart throws hit?  LOVE Gronk at the end of the 2nd.
WTF?: Wentz at the beginning of the 7th round as QB6, and he’s not ready to start the season yet.

2.) J.J. Wattshappenin’ – D.Johnson/Green/Adams Fantastic first 3 picks, probably the best WR 1/2 duo in the draft.
Question Marks: Talent is great but will question Green and Johnson’s health.
Things I Like: Corey Davis I think will surprise people this year.  Calvin Ridley is a great dart throw in the final round as one of the top rookie receivers.
WTF?: Ingram.  IMO he was taken pretty early for someone who is suspended and is behind Kamara.

3.) Four Loko Power Trip – Gordon/Fournette/Diggs Fantastic first 3, the best looking RB 1/2 duo in the draft.
Question Marks: Nothing major with these 3.  I know Fournette has had ankle issues but he seems to plow through pain pretty well.  Diggs with a new QB could be a question mark, but Cousins produces.
Things I Like:  Mike Williams, 2nd year LAC WR who missed a ton of last season.  Could be setup for a breakout, and definitely worth a late round pick.
WTF?: No Major WTFs but if I’m being nit picky I’ll say that Marquise Goodwin is projected awfully high this year. Not a major WTF ADP-wise but I will also say that it’s incredible that Watson was taken 1 spot before Brady after only half a season.  He makes a lot of mistakes, but even when he does his production is still amazing.  We’ll see if he outperforms a full season of Brady this year.

4.) Rex’s Revenge – Zeke/M.Thomas/Evans Fantastic first 3. One of the best WR 1/2 duos in the draft along with J.J.
Question Marks: I don’t doubt the talent, but Evans’ consistency was an issue last year, and his QB is suspended for a bit this year.
Things I Like:  Chris Carson in the 6th, I think he beats Penny for the bulk of the carries. Great final pick with rookie RB Ballage.
WTF?: Ertz.  He’s great and all, and ADP-wise it was a logical pick, but the 4th just seems pretty early.  I’m used to seeing Gronk, Kelce, Olsen, and Graham go early, but not this guy.  I realize his projections went way up this year, but I probably just feel this way because I always wait on TEs.

5.) Matt is Werd Dawgs – Julio/Freeman/Baldwin – Great first 3.
Question Marks: WR1/RB1 are on the same team and lowers the point ceiling.  Jones tends to produce when Freeman doesn’t and vice versa.
Things I Like:  As far as getting a usable RB late in the draft, I like the Tarik Cohen pick in the 10th.
WTF?: Fuller V.  When you put a “V” at the end of your name on your jersey, at that point you’re basically just bragging that your great great grandparents had sex.  Also, 7 TD’s on 28 receptions, no fucking way he gets close to that production again.  Also not a fan of 2 QB’s taken within 4 rounds of eachother in the middle of the draft.

6.) Popp – Hunt/OBJ/Collins – Very Solid 3
Question Marks:  I question the talent of Alex Collins.  To me he is a guy you draft because of the situation, not the talent, and that is a question mark for me.  Ravens offensive players pretty much always disappoint.
Things I Like:  Spending that 13th round pick on Ekeler, great sleeper candidate.
WTF?: John Brown.  I think any Ravens offensive player will get a WTF from me.  Late picks don’t matter much but an additional rookie/sleeper pick would have been more exciting here.

7.) Mercs – Kamara/Mixon/Hill Decent 3.
Question Marks: Mixon’s usage and Hill’s production.  Mixon has the early down talent but is stuck splitting with Gio.  Hill has the talent but was boom/bust last season, also with a new QB.
Things I Like:  3x WRs with top 10 production last year.
WTF?: Nick Chubb in the 8th (91st Ovr) definitely early to take a flyer, and is definitely a reach according to ADP (115th Ovr), he was taken about 2-3 rounds too early.

8.) Zeke’s Girlfriend – Nuk/McCaffrey/D.Henry Decent 3.
Question Marks: McCaffrey’s and Henry’s production.  Very boom/bust for the top 2 of a 4x RB team.  (McCaffrey Prk 15/ Henry Prk 25)
Things I Like:  Boldly taking Adrian Peterson in the 7th, someone a lot us probably wanted but were too scared to take the risk. I actually really like Nuk at 9 Ovr, I think he’s underrated in most leagues because he is a Texan.
WTF?: Very few RB’s, only 4 on the roster.  Victim of the drafting during preseason curse losing Marquise Lee.

9.) FAFHAM – D.Cook/J.Howard/Lynch Decent 3.
Question Marks: Dalvin fucking Cook.  He’s only played 3 full games in the NFL and is coming of an ACL tear.  Big question mark for a first rounder.
Things I Like:  Going bold with taking 3 running backs in the first 3 rounds, and then Josh Gordon as a WR1 (Risky, I know, but I like it.  Gordon is one of the most exciting fantasy players)
WTF?: Charles Clay for obvious reasons.  If there was a mount Rushmore for streamable TEs, his face would be on it.  FAFHAM could have waiver-added him but instead picked him 87th overall.  His ADP is 214.  Biggest reach of the draft by far.

10.) Oregon Trail Battlewagon – A.Brown/McKinnon(RIP)/T.Y. – 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.
Question Marks: McKinnon (before the injury) was still a question mark talent-wise whose ADP was boosted because he changed teams.  Wasn’t sold on this guy as a 2nd rounder.
Things I Like:  I’m not big on handcuffing but taking Booker late is a great pick whether or not you own Royce Freeman.
WTF?: No major WTF’s ADP-wise, but man, Alshon Jeffrey has a body made of silly string.

11.) The Most Blounted – Bell/Drake/Thielen Hmmm?
Question Marks: When the fuck will Bell actually show up?  Thielen as a WR1 with a new QB and Diggs in the mix.  It worked last year for him, it would make me nervous this year thinking he can sustain that share of targets with a brand new QB.  I like Drake’s talent but I’m not quite sure he’s 2nd round talent.
Things I Like:  DJ Moore is my favorite rookie WR in the draft.  Great talent and is excellent at getting yards after the catch on screens/slants/quick outs.
WTF?: Blount.  It’s just a novelty pick at this point, trying to keep the team name relevant.  Taking a DEF first, always a WTF pick.  8th round is the earliest the league has taken a DEF since 2013.

12.) Pool Rats – Barkley/K.Allen/Ajayi – Hmmm.
Question Marks: Barkley is a rookie.  Using a 1st round pick on a rookie is a question mark in my book no matter who it is.  Allen only produced late last season.  And Ajayi only topped 10 points 5 times last year, never going over 13.7 points.
Things I Like:  Breida late in the draft is solid, the opportunity may be there for him.  Taking Barkley early was a gamble but it’s also exciting.  We could have another Zeke on our hands.
WTF?: 3 fucking QB’s were drafted and one of them was Joe Fucking Flacco.