Mother of Fuck. It’s Week 5.

Well shove a stick up my ass and call me a candy apple how the fuck are you you fucking cock suckers? It’s mother fucking week 5. Last week was a good one, we saw some very high scoring games that resulted in our leagues highest combined score ever at 1153.1. Before last week our highest was 1084.4 which means we crushed our record by 68.7 points. Actually, in 3 out of the 4 completed weeks this year, we’ve outscored every single week in 2017. Offenses are clearly off to a strong start this year. We also saw our newest team owner in SBFFL earn their first career Pickle Dick! Congratulations to Delaine is a Walker, it took 17 games to earn that PD which is actually pretty impressive. That makes every single person in the league a part of the club finally. There are only two teams that have still yet to earn a Bacon Banner, Rex’s Revenge and Zeke Cushing’s Girlfriend’s Walker get on that shit. Here is your week in review.

1.) South Main Mercs (0) – started sweating in a close match-up after getting too cocky with the Werd Dawgs, that was until Alvin Kamara became the entire Saints offense and sealed the deal for a victory and a Bacon Banner. Will need to keep the momentum this week when they face Bangers an Thrash who they are tied at (3-3) H2H and both (3-1) in the league. Kamara vs. Gurley, can’t think of a better RB match-up.

2.) Oregon Trail Battlewagon (0) – Still trucking along without an L, the Battlewagon was able to pull through with a great performance all around but most notably by Cousins and fantasy football’s greatest mystery, Jared fucking Cook. Looking to string along more W’s, they will face Brian Cushing’s Bleeding Face without T.Y. Hilton, promoting Calvin Ridley to flex, and Alshon making his SBFFL debut.

3.) Rex’s Revenge (+1) – A lopsided roster with an absent Chris Carson was saved by Capt. Andrew Luck and Zeke who both topped 30 points while the rest of the roster ranged from 0 to 11.2. Those two players alone could have defeated pickle dick winner Delaine Walker Texas Ranger. Now (2-0) career H2H against Walker, they’ll try to take down Popp in week 5 with a full roster and without Mike Evans.

4.) Bangers and Thrash (+2) – Extremely solid week led by Wentz, Gurley, and Gio who all put up 20+ and turning in a victory over J.J. Wattshappenin by almost 40 points. With Mixon coming back, Gio’s expiration date is soon, and they will most likely revert to McCoy coming off a rib injury. Now at first place in the Canadian Bacon division, they will face the Mercs in week 5. We haven’t done a motherfucking game of the week in a while, but if we did one this would be it.

5.) Four Loko Power Trip (+5) – Another god damn bounce back for FLPT, from 60 to 100 to 60 to 100, they fucking brought it to FAFHAM this week as they usually do, making their career H2H (6-1). Aside from Fournette’s ouchie, most of the roster balled out with Gordon hitting 23.9 and Watson hitting his season high with 31.1. They look to break the up and down pattern and continue ballin’ out with their balls out when they face the Pool Rats this week.

6.) Drop it like it’s Popp (-1) – After the games last week Popp bought a plane ticket, flew to Kansas City to give Kareem Hunt a hug, then to New England to take James White for ice cream, then to NYC to personally fight Odell Beckham Jr. The league won’t forgive Popp for keeping the Battlewagon streak alive but they all thank him for teaching ODB a lesson. They look to take down Rex’s Revenge this week, something they haven’t done since 2013, their first year in the league.

7.) J.J. Wattshappenin’ (-5) – Up 5 spots last week and down 5 spots this week, according to our rankings formula J.J. has a good roster but has struggled with consistency. Biggest problems last week were the Saints won 33-18 and Drew Brees didn’t throw a single TD, can you believe that shit? Good stuff brewing on the bench- they’ll have Ingram coming back, Corey Davis finally busting out, and Yeldon taking over for Leonard “The Glass Man” Fournette. We’ll see how the makeover works in week 5 against FAFHAM (5-3) career H2H.

8.) FAFHAM (-2) – In Week 3 FAFHAM showed that you can’t always win with just a Hall of Fame QB. In week 4 they showed that you can’t always win with just a Hall of Fame QB that can also throw left-handed. Strong showing from Mahomes, Tate, and Lynch, but losing Cook and Howard early in the games kinda capped FAFHAM  who still put up a good score, but not good enough to get the W. On to J.J. in week 5 (3-5) career H2H.  Patrick Mahomes is so great, he has two hands.

9t.) Chris Micheles Needs a Walker (-1) – Just one week after taking down the #1 Ranked Mercs, Walkers find themselves putting up their 3rd lowest performance ever during an awful bye week (Ted motherfucking Ginn started this game) and their first career PD. They might be overly committed to the Vikings D/ST, (haven’t topped 2 points since week 1) but at least they get their major bye week out of the way early, and Julian Edelman will be back this week when they face the undefeated Battlewagon.

9t.) Pool Rats (0) – Outside of Rivers and Barkley he only thing popping on this roster was Will Dissly’s knee ligaments. An ugly performance all around earned the Pool Rats their 3rd L in a row. Management must be plotting something after meddling in the 70-76 point range for the last 3 weeks. Let’s see if they can break the losing streak this week against Four Loko Power Trip, a match-up in which they are (4-2) career H2H.

9t.) Werd Dawgs (+2) – 2nd highest career performance after a great showing from almost the entire roster. Tarik Cohen’s monster game kept them in it against the Mercs until Alvin Kamara torched the score board giving the Werd Dawgs a high scoring loss. Still looking for that first win in SBFFL (0-4) and 1st win against The Most Blounted (0-2) in week 5.

12.) The Most Blounted (0) – Appeared to be on course for a bacon banner after Kupp and Thielen went crazy on Thursday Night, then the weekend came and Fitzmagic turned into a pumpkin, and every other team lit up box score too. They still got the victory over Pool Rats and may have found a star in Sony Michel. Chubb busted out as well but only on a couple of carries. The Most Blounted definitely flashed their upside this week. On to the Werd Dawgs.