Category: Ranks

We’ve officially hit the half way mark for the regular season and probably saw more trades this week in the league than ever before. Time to stay focused and bring the fucking competition.  No more fucking around.  Remember, there are no bad teams.  Just bad managers.  The Biggie Division is only 3 GB and the 2 Pac Division is only 2 GB, anything can happen.  Don’t fuck it up.

1. Pool Rats – This mother fucker right here got called out via group text by Blake Bortles and the rest of the Power Trip motley crew.  Will the god damn Pool Rats bring the competition? Or will they puss out?  They’ve only scored less than 80 points once this season and that was when Marshawn Lynch and Big Ben were out.  Now that they’ve made a pretty nice trade, every single god damn slot going into week 7 is ranked in the top 10, which means this would be a terrible week to just fuck everything up and blow division lead. When Dez comes back this team will be scary. So, just don’t fuck up.  Tony tony tony.

2. Oregon Trail Battlewagon – This mother fucker right here has been steadily improving the past 3 weeks with the emergence of Gurley aka Running Back Jesus.  Even though they put up over 100 points they managed to fucking lose, yet they’re still on top of the 2 Pac Division at 3-3.  With the Biggie Division hogging all the playoff seeds, they need to stay focused because a Battlewagon loss and a MostBlounted win kicks them down from the #2 seed to the nothing seed.  Are they gonna let the fucking new guy pass them up in the standings?

3. J.J. Wattshappenin’ – This mother fucker right here has gotta be real fucking happy to have Alshon come back and score 20.  Not only that but they gotta be real fucking happy about their god damn running backs too.  Aside from OBJ’s bye week in 11, JJ has basically survived the major bye weeks issues and is still sitting with a good team at 4-2. This team is playing well but they’re not out of the woods yet. They’ll have to ward off Bangers and Thrash 2.0, who has Frankenstein’d a new roster, in order to stay competitive in the Biggie Division.

4. Team Rex Grossman – This mother fucker right here still remains the only Slab Bacon Original 6 member to have never received a god damn pickle dick.  OOPS I hope I didn’t jinx it…..  Rex Grossman is basically the Forrest Gump of the league.  An adorable retard who is never aware of what’s going on and everything just happens to fall into place and currently leads the league in points.  Kinda like letting your friends buy you stock in that fruit company.  One less thing to worry about….

5. South Main Mercs – This mother fucker right here doesn’t know how to do anything but stay right in the fucking middle like some sort of confused bisexual.  Unless there’s a god damn miracle, the poor fucking Mercs who are on their biggest bye week skid, SHOULD fall to below average this week. In addition to a brutal bye week, they also have 3 players playing on Thursday Night and 1 in London early Sunday, so it definitely feels like a “C minus” kind of week.  If I had to rate the lineup for this week on a scale of soft drinks it would probably be Shasta Diet Root Beer or some shit like that.

6. – TheMostBlounted – This mother fucker right here thinks he deserves some recognition for DRAFTING Devonta Freeman (even though his ADP was 112.6).  This mother fucker right here also got 2 bacon banners in a row. You can’t argue with results, but you bet your sweet ass I’m going to.  Even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while.  This team is like a slot machine that just happened to get a little stuck and everyone landed on the best performance they will ever have in their god damn lives.  There is so much boom and/or bust potential here, I guess it could be compared to dating an extremely hot bipolar chick.  Only after the end of that relationship, you don’t even have a plan B to fall back on, because you have 3 D/ST’s lined up wanting to Netflix and Chill.

7. Drop it like it’s Popp – This mother fucker right here received his first god damn pickle dick after playing 32 games in this league.  Pretty impressive considering Popp’s history of retarded negative point differentials.  Everyone but Gio put up some rat feces in the box score and simply just didn’t get anything going.  Dalton went off on the bench, and they kinda had a punch to the nut sack with bye weeks so it would have been a tough win regardless. Also, the schedule has been a cunt because they’ve given up the 2nd most points in the league.  Of course, Popp doesn’t want your fucking sympathy, he wants to punch your fucking face, then probably apologize.  This mother fucker has had enough, watch out.

8. Four Loko Power Trip –   This mother fucker right here, Eddie Lacy.  The End.

9. FAF HAM – This mother fucker right here was the only person in the Biggie Division to lose their game last week which leaves them in the fucking dust at 3 GB.  With a roster about as exciting as laundry day, FAF HAM definitely showed some concern about the punishment on the horizon.  While they aren’t completely out of the playoff picture, it seems like they have no choice but to start shuffling shit around like a god damn Rubik’s cube if they wanna get shit done.  Put on your fucking salesman cap and get to work or start tutu shopping.

BRUH.

10. Bangers and Thrash – This mother fucker right here hit the panic button, but when he did, it was orchestrated like a fucking 360 backflip mctwist hoopy basketball dunk onto the panic button and players started flying his way.  Bangers took out the Thrash by dumping Peyton and eating Thrash browns with AJ Green, Marshawn Lynch, and Eddie Lacy.  In fact, Eddie Lacy is only on the team because he heard there MIGHT be hash browns. Even if Bangers still can’t make a respectable push, oh well, they will go out with both guns blazing and Eddie Lacy will get to go to fat camp.

1. Pool Rats – The Philip Rivers to Antonio “Tony Tony Tony” Gates connections earned almost half the points for Pool Rats in their 103 point performance.  They pulled off the victory in an important divisional game against JJ Wattshappenin’ and now they sit on top with the best record in the league.  As their roster stands now, they’ll rely heavily on the Chargers offense with Rivers, Gates, and Allen in the mix.  Losing Dez, Big Ben, and Lynch hasn’t caused too much stress yet as they sit at 4-1.  But getting some of those guys back won’t make them so dependent on Charger touchdowns.  Looking to keep last place Bangers at bay in week 6.

2. Team Rex Grossman – Rex is coming off a nice 100 point victory with Kaepernick and the Broncos D/ST carrying the load.  The Broncos D have been incredible this year and is actually tied with Larry Fitzgerald for their best player at 83 points.   To give you an idea, their D has more points than players like Emmanuel Sanders, Jamaal Charles, Russell Wilson, and Peyton Manning. They are only 1.5 fantasy points behind Julio Jones. Team Rex Grossman is leading Slab Bacon in points and the Broncos D is responsible for about 20% of that.  Losing Jamaal Charles will hurt, especially when you don’t put in any waiver claims or do anything about it.  We’ll see if they can keep trucking with Stewart/Woodhead replacing Charles this week against Battlewagon.

3. Oregon Trail Battlewagon – Thomas Rawls had the Battlewagon Lawlzing all the way to the bank with his 22 point coming out party.  Todd Gurley looks like the real deal, tearing up 2 excellent defenses in back to back weeks.  It’s a small sample size but Gurley looks to be matchup-proof so far.  There was some ugly stuff going on in their roster like Matt Ryan only getting 6 and earning a Turnover trophy and the Ravens D getting 0, but the strong running game brought home the victory.  They’ll look to run game all over Rex Grossman’s face in week 6.

4. J.J. Wattshappenin – J.J. Wattshappenin’ had a J.J. Wautistic performance in an important divisional matchup which gave the Pool Rats the lead in the Biggie division.  Normally this team is solid, they’ve topped 88 points in the previous 3 weeks.  This loss just has to be chalked up to a brutal bye week for their running backs and injuries to Hankerson mid game.  Now that the bye week hell is over for J.J. they just need to get OBJ and Alshon healthy for this team to return to full form.

6. – TheMostBlounted – TMB was ranked #9 and facing ranked #10 Drop it like it’s Popp and they both surprisingly lead the league in scoring in week 5.  TMB torched the scoreboard with a season high 134 getting 20+ points from 4 different slots.  It’s hard to say there will be consistency.  You gotta think Devonta Freeman will fall back to earth at some point, but TMB has to feel good about the amount of upside.  They’ll look to continue making progress, and in week 6 they’ll have an opportunity to see who won the trade back in week 2 against FAF HAM.

7. Drop it like it’s Popp – Popp continues to have the worst luck and I continue to worry about his sanity.   The box score in week 5 resembles a Wack-A-Mole arcade machine, nothing but peaks and valleys, studs and duds.  They have a rough bye week coming up for their running backs, and on top of that,  Michael Vick seems to be the only player in the league that can shutdown Antonio Brown.  Maybe DJax will come back and provide some relief and the Andy Dalton and Tyler iFart connection looks promising and could provide a solid floor of fantasy points.

10. Bangers and Thrash – A fair performance from Bangers just wasn’t enough to get the win this week and unfortunately it caused them to drop to the bottom of the rankings.  Looking at the box score last week tells me that Peyton has been a kind of a douche to this team, and if the Broncos offense gets back to where it was last year, and the Jags figure out how to get Julius Thomas involved, this team should be able to come around in the 2pac division.  It’s a shame they didn’t realize during the draft that they actually selected really high voice Peyton Manning with cable, and they should have drafted Peyton Manning with DirecTV.  Braveheart trophy opportunity for Bangers this week as they face 1st place Pool Rats.