Well shove a stick up my ass and call me a candy apple how the fuck are you you fucking cock suckers? It’s mother fucking week 5. Last week was a good one, we saw some very high scoring games that resulted in our leagues highest combined score ever at 1153.1. Before last week our highest was 1084.4 which means we crushed our record by 68.7 points. Actually, in 3 out of the 4 completed weeks this year, we’ve outscored every single week in 2017. Offenses are clearly off to a strong start this year. We also saw our newest team owner in SBFFL earn their first career Pickle Dick! Congratulations to Delaine is a Walker, it took 17 games to earn that PD which is actually pretty impressive. That makes every single person in the league a part of the club finally. There are only two teams that have still yet to earn a Bacon Banner, Rex’s Revenge and Zeke Cushing’s Girlfriend’s Walker get on that shit. Here is your week in review.
1.) South Main Mercs (0) – started sweating in a close match-up after getting too cocky with the Werd Dawgs, that was until Alvin Kamara became the entire Saints offense and sealed the deal for a victory and a Bacon Banner. Will need to keep the momentum this week when they face Bangers an Thrash who they are tied at (3-3) H2H and both (3-1) in the league. Kamara vs. Gurley, can’t think of a better RB match-up.
2.) Oregon Trail Battlewagon (0) – Still trucking along without an L, the Battlewagon was able to pull through with a great performance all around but most notably by Cousins and fantasy football’s greatest mystery, Jared fucking Cook. Looking to string along more W’s, they will face Brian Cushing’s Bleeding Face without T.Y. Hilton, promoting Calvin Ridley to flex, and Alshon making his SBFFL debut.
3.) Rex’s Revenge (+1) – A lopsided roster with an absent Chris Carson was saved by Capt. Andrew Luck and Zeke who both topped 30 points while the rest of the roster ranged from 0 to 11.2. Those two players alone could have defeated pickle dick winner Delaine Walker Texas Ranger. Now (2-0) career H2H against Walker, they’ll try to take down Popp in week 5 with a full roster and without Mike Evans.
4.) Bangers and Thrash (+2) – Extremely solid week led by Wentz, Gurley, and Gio who all put up 20+ and turning in a victory over J.J. Wattshappenin by almost 40 points. With Mixon coming back, Gio’s expiration date is soon, and they will most likely revert to McCoy coming off a rib injury. Now at first place in the Canadian Bacon division, they will face the Mercs in week 5. We haven’t done a motherfucking game of the week in a while, but if we did one this would be it.
5.) Four Loko Power Trip (+5) – Another god damn bounce back for FLPT, from 60 to 100 to 60 to 100, they fucking brought it to FAFHAM this week as they usually do, making their career H2H (6-1). Aside from Fournette’s ouchie, most of the roster balled out with Gordon hitting 23.9 and Watson hitting his season high with 31.1. They look to break the up and down pattern and continue ballin’ out with their balls out when they face the Pool Rats this week.
6.) Drop it like it’s Popp (-1) – After the games last week Popp bought a plane ticket, flew to Kansas City to give Kareem Hunt a hug, then to New England to take James White for ice cream, then to NYC to personally fight Odell Beckham Jr. The league won’t forgive Popp for keeping the Battlewagon streak alive but they all thank him for teaching ODB a lesson. They look to take down Rex’s Revenge this week, something they haven’t done since 2013, their first year in the league.
7.) J.J. Wattshappenin’ (-5) – Up 5 spots last week and down 5 spots this week, according to our rankings formula J.J. has a good roster but has struggled with consistency. Biggest problems last week were the Saints won 33-18 and Drew Brees didn’t throw a single TD, can you believe that shit? Good stuff brewing on the bench- they’ll have Ingram coming back, Corey Davis finally busting out, and Yeldon taking over for Leonard “The Glass Man” Fournette. We’ll see how the makeover works in week 5 against FAFHAM (5-3) career H2H.
8.) FAFHAM (-2) – In Week 3 FAFHAM showed that you can’t always win with just a Hall of Fame QB. In week 4 they showed that you can’t always win with just a Hall of Fame QB that can also throw left-handed. Strong showing from Mahomes, Tate, and Lynch, but losing Cook and Howard early in the games kinda capped FAFHAM who still put up a good score, but not good enough to get the W. On to J.J. in week 5 (3-5) career H2H. Patrick Mahomes is so great, he has two hands.
9t.) Chris Micheles Needs a Walker (-1) – Just one week after taking down the #1 Ranked Mercs, Walkers find themselves putting up their 3rd lowest performance ever during an awful bye week (Ted motherfucking Ginn started this game) and their first career PD. They might be overly committed to the Vikings D/ST, (haven’t topped 2 points since week 1) but at least they get their major bye week out of the way early, and Julian Edelman will be back this week when they face the undefeated Battlewagon.
9t.) Pool Rats (0) – Outside of Rivers and Barkley he only thing popping on this roster was Will Dissly’s knee ligaments. An ugly performance all around earned the Pool Rats their 3rd L in a row. Management must be plotting something after meddling in the 70-76 point range for the last 3 weeks. Let’s see if they can break the losing streak this week against Four Loko Power Trip, a match-up in which they are (4-2) career H2H.
9t.) Werd Dawgs (+2) – 2nd highest career performance after a great showing from almost the entire roster. Tarik Cohen’s monster game kept them in it against the Mercs until Alvin Kamara torched the score board giving the Werd Dawgs a high scoring loss. Still looking for that first win in SBFFL (0-4) and 1st win against The Most Blounted (0-2) in week 5.
12.) The Most Blounted (0) – Appeared to be on course for a bacon banner after Kupp and Thielen went crazy on Thursday Night, then the weekend came and Fitzmagic turned into a pumpkin, and every other team lit up box score too. They still got the victory over Pool Rats and may have found a star in Sony Michel. Chubb busted out as well but only on a couple of carries. The Most Blounted definitely flashed their upside this week. On to the Werd Dawgs.
1.) South Main Mercs (0) – Took an L from DNAW after facing dominating performances from CMC, Cam, and AP. They ended up stuck waiting for Stafford to catch up on Sunday Night Football which was never ever going to happen. No doubt this team is shoveling salt since DNAW had only topped 90 points twice in their career prior to this. With 90+ points going on the board every week from the Mercs, they are primed to give the Werd Dawgs an ass beating in week 4.
the team on your back” in one of the biggest single player performances I can remember seeing in a while. Brees: 40.5 / Rest of Team 50.3. This extends JJ’s winning streak to 6 over the Pool Rats making this career H2H record (8-2). Now they look for the W against Bangers and Thrash, something they shit the bed trying to do last year.
2t.) Oregon Trail Battlewagon (-1) – off to the strongest start coming into week 4 as the only 3-0 team and leading SBFFL in scoring. The only reason they dropped in the ranks is because of their ugly roster (according to FantasyPros). OTBW shrugged off TMB in an easy 22 point victory lead by Carlos fucking Hyde to make their career H2H record (6-1). Hot waiver add Calvin Ridley is now on the roster, we’ll see if he makes an appearance sometime soon. This week they’ll face Drop it like it’s Popp who they haven’t lost to since 2015.
where the slaughter rule should have been enforced against Power Trip. If they had started Matt Ryan (40 points), they would have crushed their scoring record. Michael Thomas is on pace to break receiving records and Chris Carson is turning into the RB I thought he would in my draft summary. Next opponent might need more than Delanie’s Walker when Rex is finished.
5.) Drop it like it’s Popp (+4) – destroyed the Werd Dawgs and put up the league high of the week with 101 which is the teams highest score since week 3 of last year. Popp has been owning the Werd Dawgs since they’ve been in the league, this win makes them (4-0) H2H. Extremely solid performance across the roster and they are trending up. Their score has increased steadily and they are up 4 spots in the ranks. Trying to keep it going, #TeamPopp is looking to beat OTBW for the first time in over 2 fucking years.
78.4-72.9 to an opponent that had an almost identical performance and also has the exact same power ranking score. The only difference was his opponents QB is not on the bullet train to Canton, OH. Sometimes they’ll need more than Mahomes to win games, and they’re ready for 1st round draft pick Cook to come back on Thursday Night when they face FLPT, a team they’ve sucked quite a bit against (1-5) H2H.
6t.) Bangers and Thrash (+2) – took an ugly W powered mostly by Gurley and Gio which proves that the power of FAAB money and regular attendance at the Todd Gurley truther meeting can take down a bad lineup with a Hall of Fame quarterback. Bangers now have the edge over FAFHAM currently (4-3) H2H. They’ll meet J.J. Wattshappenin’ this week who they crushed last year by over 50 points.
with their 3rd highest career performance to date. They’ve been increasing their score every week, and now DNAW will try to continue the trend in week 4 when they face Rex’s Revenge who is currently averaging more PPG (100.1) than they have scored all season (98.8 season high). They’ll have to do it with their top 3 producers on bye (Cam, CMC, AP) so we’ll see if the $3 Andy Dalton bid pays off!
9.) Pool Rats (-4) – looked like they were on their way toward a respectable score and then Keen Allen forgot to show up for the 2nd week in a row and Phillip Lindsay got a little too huffy puffy (or maybe even salty) in the dogpile. Fucked by J.J. Wattshappenin AGAIN, they now find themselves in a division with 2 teams they haven’t won against in over 2 years. They’ll look to even out to 2-2 against a very Afghanistan-like The Most Blounted (bombed up and depleted).
Also the favorite to drag Amari Cooper out into the street and fight him. With the exception of Watson, the only productivity last week came from the bench. The scores are ranging from 67.5 to 103.9, you never know who’s going to show up- the Power Trip or the Four Loko. They’ve delivered the Power to FAFHAM in past with a career H2H record of (5-1). We’ll see what happens in Week 4.
11.) Werd Dawgs (-1) – You know your team is in trouble when your Defense (and by Defense, I mean Khalil Mack) is outscoring every single person on your fucking roster except Tom Brady (by only 1.8 points). Still without Freeman, Baldwin, Burkhead, and now Rishard Matthews leaving the Titans after basically losing his job to Corey Davis, they are going to need every available weapon to show up to take down the Mercs in week 4. They did it last year, not that they needed much, 98.8 – 46.6. Yikes.
boy carry the entire team to a 63.7 loss making them 0-3 and ranked dead fucking last. Losing Bell obviously hurts, but you also expect to see much more from players like Drake and Michel. If we don’t see some younger players on the bench start busting out, we might see ownership make more moves. They’ll be crossing their fingers this week for a repeat of last years match-up vs. Pool Rats when they crushed them 119.2 – 74.1.
1t.) Oregon Trail Battlewagon (2-0) – The only team to top 100+ points in the first 2 weeks OTBW is off to a very strong start despite falling victim to the annual play of “Jared Cook does something early in the season only to never be seen again until week 12” . Lead by Cousins, and the PIT offense of AB and Connor, they look to close the first divisional series at 3-0 when they face their fellow Oregon homie The Most Blounted, a team they swept last year.
winning streak over any one team. They gave up young running backs Chubb and Aaron Jones to The Most Blounted for Le’Veon Bell, a trade that can fall flat or boost this team considerably later in the season. This week they will be the first fantasy team to start the Cleveland Browns defense since 1994 to keep the divisional wins going against Delanie Needs a Walker.
3.) Rex’s Revenge (1-1) – A silent killer, Rex quietly comes in at #3 having made exactly zero roster moves coming into week 3. They took an L after a solid performance that just wasn’t enough to stop the Kirk Cousins Battlewagon and also made you want to punch Chris Carson and Andrew Luck in the God Damn testicles. Rexy will end the division series by facing off with a red hot Four Loko Power Trip, a team Rex is 4-2 against lifetime H2H and averages 88.3 points vs. their 74.5 when facing each other.
all of this without Charles Clay. With Josh Gordon now in Foxborough and after spending a handful of FAAB on that sweet sweet Fitzmagical TB offense, maybe they won’t have to worry about Mahomes carrying the team. This week they look to stay on top of the division and also take the lifetime H2H lead over Bangers and Thrash- currently tied at 3-3.
to watch the Chargers put up 31 points against the Bills only to see Keenan Allen get 6.7 fucking points, but watching Breida and Clement go off on your bench has to be the real kick in the dick. This week they’ll probably use that new life on their bench when they face J.J. Wattshappenin, a team they have not won against since 2015 (2-7).
dropped about 40% of their FAAB on Gio Bernard and John Brown with hopes of making an immediate impact against the Bud Light chugging 2-0 division rival FAFHAM. The two teams split the series last year, but in the final game of the season Bangers crushed them 115.3 – 56.3
more than Pat Mahomes, the monkey was taken off their back after 2 straight years of getting swept in the series. After bouncing back a cool 26.9 points, they look to do something they’ve done easily the past 2 years, and that is crush the Werd Dawgs. But this year the Werd Dawgs have outscored them in both weeks 1 and 2.
FAFHAM and now 0-2 in the division. They have certainly been missing Freeman and Baldwin, and having them out will continue to fuck this team as they try to break two streaks this week. They will look for their first win of the season and their first win ever against Drop it like it’s Popp (0-3).
was right there, and Delmore fucked it all up. So far we’ve seen a huge regression in AP and Derrick Henry on a Titans team that seems to never want to use him for some stupid reason. Delanie Needs a Walker has a roster that has shown some potential but hasn’t had all the players perform on the same week. They’ll look to take advantage of a #1 ranked Mercs team without Joe Mixon who they took a beating from last year 108.3 – 64.2.
Cadillac in exchange for some Rollerblades just to get some movement at the RB position. This will be Aaron Jones first game of the season after being suspended so this is the perfect opportunity for him to breakout in the current dumpster fire that is the Green Bay RB stable. Here’s to hoping Fitzmagic and Aaron Jones can carry this team to a David vs. Goliath victory over the Battlewagon.
Slab Bacon Fantasy Football League 